Slashdot is carrying a story about how all government docs older than 25 years will be declassified this coming Monday (January 1st). Well, I got a sneak peak of what these hundreds of millions documents contain. Here after is the cream of the crop:

1 - No Nuclear Weapon has ever been deployed: Osaka and Nagasaki Japan were in fact carpet bombed. The whole thing about nuclear technology was a bluff pushed by the allies to force a surrender. Just like star wars and Reagan, the enemy can’t keep up with technology that doesn’t even exist. The first successful nuclear bomb was detonated in 1968 on the moon.

2 - Elvis is, in fact, not dead: Numerous government agencies were nervous when the secret was mentioned in the movie: The Men in Black but Elvis is, in reality, not dead. He went home. These government bodies relaxed when someone explained that it was a joke. MIB was also right about the FBI not having a sense of humor.

3 - There have never been aliens at rosewell: When aliens crashed in the New Mexico desert they needed a place to hide. The government shacked them up in Clovis NM. Then they drummed up hype in Rosewell to distract anyone from the real cover up.

4 - The Illuminati really did run the world: Up until 1963 the illuminati were in charge of things. The controversial decision of the council to elect a catholic (ie JFK) led to a power struggle and a young council member named Oreo killed the rest of the council and had JFK assassinated to prove that a dolphin had the “flippers” to run things. This splintered the main group into two main groups. Free mansions, which run the US and Jews that run Europe. Asia and Africa are run by a unrelated syndicate known only as “Kitty Corp”

5 - Dolphins are man evolved: Not only are dolphins intelligent as scientists have long theorized but as Oreo proved they are capable of staging a coup of the most powerful organization in the world and having a US president assassinated.

6 - Spam was discovered, not created: Contrary to popular belief spam is, in fact not made from meat by products as the label suggests. In 1924 a young Russian scientist working for Bell labs discovered a Spam repository while looking for a hole through the center of the earth. Ever since then Spam has been mined from the depths of the earth. Why the cover up? Ever heard of “A Modest Proposal”? Let’s just say the two things are related.

7 - Euthanasia doesn’t mean what you think it does:Wikipedia would have you believe that Euthanasia is fact greek and means killing humans out of some deformed sense of mercy. It turns out all those so-called ignoramuses were right, euthanasia means “Youth in Asia” and was a popular band that the G-man had to put on ice.

8 - FDR was half man, half robot: Try to guess which half was machine. That’s right, the top half.

9 - Man did not go to the moon in 1969: Man did however goto the moon two years earlier. LBJ thought it was funny to patronize the Russians into thinking we hadn’t already been to the moon. They tried so hard to catch up and go to space thinking they had a chance at getting to the moon first when we had, in fact, already been there and setup a gift shop.

10 - The Highlander is documentary filmed in real time: Just as Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger force posited in the episode “Dumberdolls” before hurling him self off a cliff, the highlander is documentary in which the events happen in real time. While taping of the show has stopped the struggle goes on with four immortals still alive. Bill Gates (Windows), Linus Torvalds (Linux), Steve Jobs (Apple) and Nikolia Tesla (Google).

These were my favorite secret picks but many more bombshells shall be revealed as hundreds of millions of documents are made available for your perusal.

One day every word in the english language with be trademarked and you will be sued for using the word without paying homage to the owner. I for one will buy the words “the” and “a” because you can’t have a sentence without them.

Eventually communication will become so expensive that people will make up new words, as in a new language. This will, however, only work for a short period of time until these words are also copywritten. Everyone will learn sign language until it becomes so popular that signs start to come under trademark. But don’t worry, a race of aliens will over run us shortly there after and force us to learn their language. A language for which we will pay out the [insert colorful metaphor here] to speak.

I for one welcome our new vernacular overlords.
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As in the custom in modern America the youthful video tapes have begun to role and the comedic video tapes have already started coming in. This video is just me, and I’m trying to snowboard without much success.

That shrill cry you hear at the end is not some sort of attempt to laugh its just the sound that comes out when my butt is liquefied.

The problem with Utah:
is that season passes are ridiculously expensive. For me to get a Brighton or Snowbird pass is $950 bucks and a park city pass is 500 bucks. To justify Snowbird or Bright I would have to ride there at least 20 times before the pass started to actually save me money.

Why Colorado is better than Utah:
In colorado ski resorts care about their customers. So they offer great packages. The biggest one is the 5-mountain pass. I know what you’re thinking, 5 mountain? Isn’t that a kind of ice cream. The answer is no.

Maybe you’re thinking “5 Mountains, that sounds expensive” and it could be but it isn’t. A season pass to Vail, Beaver Creek, Keystone, Breckenridge and A-Basin is a whopping 280 bucks. We’re not talking about some hole in the wall resorts, these are some of Colorado’s best. I defy anyone to prove that Utah is any better than Vail which happens to be the Habitat of sickness and the home of the Gnar.

That said I want to get a season pass but if I do I feel like I’m supporting the horrible greed machine out here that lets resorts get away with charging so much.

I’ve been thinking about getting back to France for a little while now. I’m looking at an English teaching assistant job. I thought that I could get in and do it for the fall semester and be back for christmas next year but that’s not an option. Here are the options:
.

All of them start the first of October 2007 and go for at least 6 months. Here are the levels I’d be working with along with the end date:

I’m debating whether or not I want to do this because it would effectively wipe out two semesters; which who knows whether or not I would be in school anyway. It’s not really in my hands.

I’d like to do the kids one because I would really enjoy that but it goes, at least, into april. The one I would least likely want to do is College but it ends in Feburary. At anyrate spring semester is out of the question.

There is also the question of a job, Sewelldirect has been awesome and I don’t see how I could have a better job anywhere else. I don’t know if they would let me leave and come back like that.

So, if I want to do this I need my application sent in by the 1st of January. Feel free to let me know what you think, that is why I’m posting this.

This was floating around on boingboing and I found it pretty entertaining. It’s basically Mary Poppins redone as a horror.

I get chills just watching it.

This video also gets an honorable mention for doing the same thing with office space.

20,534 words; Thats how many I’ve written in November. I was really doing well until the laptop I was using broke (still have yet to fix it). I’d like to finish the novel I started but I don’t know if I’ll have time now that I don’t have to dedicate so much to it. Plus, it’s really hard to write at home. So once again: