Update:I’ve included the only picture of Greg that I have. Enjoy

I once was standing in the streets of a city called Reims (pronounced Ran-ce) in the north east of France when I was confronted by the only American I didn’t know in the town. He was dressed in green like the green bums (that is, there were the green bums who had a lot of dogs were generally aged 18-24 and we something akin to rude hippies on most occasions).

Greg was really excited to talk to me because I spoke english he had a sign that his french girlfriend had made him before dumping him in the streets that said something like “Je suis coincé en France, une piece svp” (I’m stuck in france, a little money please). He asked me to translate it for him actually.

Greg told me stories

Ah yes, Greg went on and on and told me all kinds of great stories. Like the time he and his friends were abducted by a summer sales, energy vampire cult. He was with his girlfriend and his friend and whenever they tried to leave some cult girls (#4 on the hotness scale right after “girls in school girl out fits” and “passed out cheer leaders”) would come over and bring the single one back in. Luckily Greg was immune (he already had a girlfriend, a french one that would drop him on his ass in france several years later).

Greg had ideas

Great ideas in fact. He wanted to start a band that was theme based around the transformers. Of course, they would all have transforming costumes and he would ride out onto the stage on his skateboard and then transform from a box into the lead singer; then and he said this part was crucial to the whole thing they would play that sound that the transformers make when they…transform.

Greg had useful information

Greg mentioned the mind expanding power of hallucinogens. I mentioned that I had a friend who had recently quit shrooms because she started coughing up blood. He said that it was possible because shrooms gave people the power to bleed in addition to expanding their minds.

Greg accidentally desecrated Notre Dame de Reims

Like all green bums(see above) Greg had a dog. One day it fell ill and he wanted very badly for his dog to regain it’s strength. He prayed very hard but to no avail. He finally went to the Cathedral in Reims to seek a blessing.

Unfortunately for Greg they didn’t allow dogs and they wouldn’t bless one. So, desperate, he gathered his puppy up in his arms and ran past the priests straight to the center of the cathedral. There he put his dog on the altar and knelt down in prayer.

He admits that onlookers must have thought that he was praying to the dog but said, in his defense, that his dog did regain full health.

Greg had a plan

I don’t remember what it was but he was going to get back to america some how and stop living as a SDF (Sans domicile fixé – someone without domicile see: Bum). I told him to goto the US embassy and he said he had already done that but they wouldn’t let him take his dog so he’d have to come up with the money to send his dog home.

The last vestiges of Greg

Greg disappeared for a while. Every time I ran into a green bum I asked him where he was. Some were suspicious, others were helpful. The last person I talked to told me that Link (thats what the french bums called Greg) had left the country. I smiled and said “so he’s gone back to america?” and they smiled even broader and said “no, to Amsterdam”.

I wonder where Greg is now…