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Biological Zombies

What is a biological zombie?

A biological zombie is the most popular current incarnation of zombies. These are zombies that are created through the spread of a virus, generally created by man, or other biological factor that physically changes a human into a zombie using science.

Movies In which biological zombies are used

Important Facts

  • They are infectious, anyone they bite will probably turn into a zombie. Kill them quickly
  • They used to be slow but thanks to 28 days later they now run fast as hell
  • The best way to kill them is to shoot them in the head
  • They will eventually starve to death*
  • For some reason they have a human brain magnet and will always be drawn to fleshy pink parts
  • They’re probably wicked strong

The Guide

So you woke up one morning and all of the sudden there were zombies kicking down your door trying to devour your flesh. Time to break out the old firearm and defend yourself. What’s that? Don’t have a firearm? Your liberal ass probably doesn’t deserve salvation, good work trying to make guns illegal for the entire time you weren’t undead.

What you need

Many of you may be familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs as well you should be but that scale changes significantly in a zombie attack. Observe the modified pyramid:
Zombie Survival pyramid

Good strategies

Kill your self.

I kid I kid! But seriously, you might be better off.

Secure the area

Start off by securing your immediate vicinity or leave. You need time to think dammit! Can you fortify your house? If not get the hell out of it. The last thing you want to do is get trapped in a corner where you won’t be able to get out. Remember this hard fast rule: Whenever you’re stuck in a corner zombies will attack!

You need weapons, it doens’t matter how careful you are, you will always need weapons (unless you’re in a bomb shelter a la Matinee) and even then you’ll probably need them.

Get some guns!

If you don’t have guns you’ll need to get some, K-mart is almost worthless because they stopped carrying most ammunition. Thanks to that kid that Michael Moore manipulated you’ll have to go to gun stores, wallmart or pawn shops. Congrats, if you have to go to those places you’re probably dead. Be a boy scout and load up on zombie shooter’s today, before you need them! Copy my setup if you need some ideas.

Oh yeah, special note, if you live in England or any of the other countries that made guns illegal you’re probably screwed.

The real plan

The real plan has to be personally made, something that fits your circumstances. I made my first zombie plan when I worked in a mall. We knew that there was a sporting goods place in the mall so we could get guns, there was also a super target so we had food. The trick would just be to secure the borders to keep Zombie’s out. Now my situation has changed dramatically and I wouldn’t go near the mall.

Sit down with your family and come up with escape routes (to get away from zombies), code words (to verify they’re not a zombie) and procedures for slaughtering everyone anyone when if they get bit.

Still Confused?

Ask your questions and we’ll make sure you get the answers you need before the biological zombie’s attack!

Posted Thursday, July 10, 2008