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Extremely Tactical

Justin recently linked to a post making fun of extremely tactical security and as someone with experience in retail I have to call the fault on Justin here. Security is no laughing matter.

My first deployment

My first deployment was in Viet Nam and Justin would probably be the first one to point out that I am too young to have been in the war. Well guess what smarty pants, I I never said I was there during the war. My deployment came with orders from the top and my presence was not to be noted in the international stage but you can better believe that Charlie remembers my work well and they still speak my name with hallowed observance.

My mission to Lovesac – ie how I saved the mall

My friends know that while I was “in high school” I worked at LoveSac in the mall. I can’t tell you which one because it hasn’t been declassified yet but my station there was for security purposes. You wouldn’t believe how many 12 yr old punks were in there with Body Armor and AKs looking for a good time. I put my life on the line daily to protect the innocent shoppers.

I had numerous situations involving kids that would not respond to orders to “be quiet” or “don’t touch the displays” and more than once I had to stomp my boot on some young terrorists hell-bent on disrupting normal shopping patterns.

My equipment

My tactical ninja gearThe afore mentioned thread contains a lot of quips about how tactical gear is not necessary for Mall Security but guess again, what do you think highly trained speical ops guys that attack the mall are going to be carrying!? High-powered rifles, HKs, AKs, ARs, C4 and one time we had a biological weapon of deadly fast-food proportions.

Here’s what I use (all equipment I train with virtually daily using the Call of Duty 4 Combat simulator

  • AK-74u
  • G3
  • 2x concussion grenades
  • Barret .50 sniper rifle
  • Tk-83 Tactical Smoke Grenades

The importance of planning

The scariest moment we had during my Tenure at lovesac security was the moment we almost had to initiate Plan #227 which designates an attack of the undead. The plan calls for the extermination of any sentient lifeforms within the mall grounds as they would become instant food and fuel for Zombies that overrun the mall.

Obey the turddleWe damn near put the plan in action when a kid dressed as a zombie came on site but after damn near killing him we found out that he really only liked turtles.

A word to Justin

Don’t make fun of the hardcore hard rollers that are protecting you every day. The next time you hear someone crawling around in the vents you can rest assured that I or one of my collegues will be there to stop the terrorist on our daily vent patrols. You have no idea how many BOMBS/Claymores I’ve defused set by DANGEROUS CRIMINCALS in the line of security detail!

I spend at least 45 minutes everyday ducktaping gear to my naked body so that I can be ready for anything. So the when you see me again and realize that I have a skrewdriver on my belt you’ll know why, its to defuse chemical weapons of mass destruction that threaten YOUR lifes!

tactical belt

Posted Sunday, March 2, 2008
8
14 comments
cameron
cameron

what's Viet Nam? is that the asian gift store in the mall?

cameron
cameron

what's Viet Nam? is that the asian gift store in the mall?

Robynn
Robynn

Sometimes it gets really tiring sewing all those bullet proof plate holders onto Dan's clothes. I wish he'd stop saving the world and start saving coupons in the paper or something. Stamp collecting, for instance, can be very rewarding and dangerous.

On that note, anybody know a cheap and easy way to attach a c-4 cartridge to corduroy?

Robynn
Robynn

Sometimes it gets really tiring sewing all those bullet proof plate holders onto Dan's clothes. I wish he'd stop saving the world and start saving coupons in the paper or something. Stamp collecting, for instance, can be very rewarding and dangerous. On that note, anybody know a cheap and easy way to attach a c-4 cartridge to corduroy?

amera
amera

i really don't know what to say. other than i wish i was able to be as humurous as you.

having gone to school in LA......

amera
amera

i really don't know what to say. other than i wish i was able to be as humurous as you. having gone to school in LA......

Shep
Shep

You've really got to do something about those pants! Always showing your zipper off...

Shep
Shep

You've really got to do something about those pants! Always showing your zipper off...

Sandy
Sandy

I can vouch for dan. He likes to show off his duck-taped to his skin' gear at work.

Sandy
Sandy

I can vouch for dan. He likes to show off his duck-taped to his skin' gear at work.

justin
justin

amazing. i'm wearing a screwdriver belt RIGHT NOW.

justin
justin

amazing. i'm wearing a screwdriver belt RIGHT NOW.

sam
sam

It's nice to see a brother in arms who takes saving the lives of countless Americans seriously. You're a HERO!

I myself have experience in dangerous situations as well, having gone to high school in Colorado. You'd never know when a psychopath would show up with tons of bombs and guns to kill everyone.

Just to be safe, I would drive my tank to school (using alternating routes) and always carry dynamite strapped to my body so that if I got shot during home ec, I could take everybody with me and keep them safe in the afterlife.

sam
sam

It's nice to see a brother in arms who takes saving the lives of countless Americans seriously. You're a HERO! I myself have experience in dangerous situations as well, having gone to high school in Colorado. You'd never know when a psychopath would show up with tons of bombs and guns to kill everyone. Just to be safe, I would drive my tank to school (using alternating routes) and always carry dynamite strapped to my body so that if I got shot during home ec, I could take everybody with me and keep them safe in the afterlife.