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Magical Zombies

What is a Magical Zombie?

Magical Zombies are zombies that have been created by wizards, witches or other people that play Magic the gathering. The are unique in that they generally aren’t contagious, so when they bite someone they won’t become a zombie and they have no grounding in the physical world. Take a look at the examples if you don’t get what I mean:

History in movies

The most comedic of all zombies

You may have noticed from the movie list magical zombies aren’t exactly the biggest threat on film makers minds. They are however very unique and should you ever run into them it’s important to know how to fight them and survive!

Magic Zombie Fact List

  • Magical Zombies are generally not infections! Don’t go killing party members because they got bit!
  • Their limbs can function independent of their bodies, cut off and arm and the arm will chase you.
  • It’s generally agreed that magic zombies TOTALLY hate fire!
  • Their attacks are usually limited by geography: get out of the effected town and you should be ok
  • They have a nasty habit of popping out of the ground, watch your feet and avoid cemeteries

The Zombie Plan

After you’re done laughing because magical zombies are totally weak take a moment to realize that guns won’t stop them. Even if you blow their head off they’ll keep coming. Even if you chop their limbs off, all you will do is create five parts that are trying to kill you…granted they don’t have much leverage.

Your real goal should be to get out of the area effected by zombies. Stock up on molotov cocktails but remember that anytime you use them whatever building you run into will probably start on fire. Flame throwers are great too and you can make them from scratch!

Shotguns are good too because they won’t end up starting you on fire and they still help slow the zombies down.

If you can’t just leave and you insist on stopping the zombie invasion

That’s easy, just find the shmuck that rose those zombies from the dead and kill ’em. It might be difficult because they’re magic but it should be easy because they’re total wimps that play Magic: The gathering.

Just remember, if Scooby Doo can survive a Magical zombie attack, you can too.

More Zombie Articles

Posted Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Musical Zombies

I had this wicked sweet dream last night where the world was being taken over by zombies, but not just any zombies, Musical zombies. These zombies craved brains alright but they also craved to talk about the talents of Duran Duran or how great the Monkeys were. See, the zombies had bad taste in music, that was the scary part.

They’d groan stuff like “Vanilla Ice was the last great artist!”. It was terrible, I fought as many as I could. I killed like five zombies with a shovel; no easy task I might add. Finally though, I succumbed to the hungry zombies and became one of them.

Amazingly enough I managed to retain some taste in music. I had like three other zombies with me and we went to go see if we couldn’t scare up some brains. We sauntered over to a house while discussing the merits of folk-rock and knocked on a door.

Suddenly from behind us we saw a drug dealer looking dude saunter around the corner with an UZI and he smiled. I dove to the side as my zombie companions were mowed down. I ran for my decaying life limbs flailing with some sort of beat rock mantra stuck in my head. I hid behind a car and finally I laid down in the ditch between the road and the sidewalk. I was just behind a car and a few inches from the sewer.

As I saw more guys gathering up the street, I considered going down the drain but I didn’t want to get all dirty (I was going to a concert later). There I lay, watching the feet up the street from under the car I was hiding behind. Finally the fear subsided and I attacked a police woman telling her about the value of having multiple keys on a song all the way…

Posted Thursday, May 1, 2008